HURRICANE

{ The Excellence Storywriters }

🌑 Ashes of the Fallen KingThe man walked out of his office, his tie hanging loose, his mind heavy with thoughts he couldn’t escape. The city lights shimmered on the rain-soaked pavement like fractured stars.Life feels so empty, he thought. Leo and Skye always seem so happy… I wish I could be like them.Lost in…

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Ashes Of the Fallen King.

🌑 Ashes of the Fallen KingThe man walked out of his office, his tie hanging loose, his mind heavy with thoughts he couldn’t escape. The city lights shimmered on the rain-soaked pavement like fractured stars.Life feels so empty, he thought. Leo and Skye always seem so happy… I wish I could be like them.Lost in thought, he bumped into two familiar faces — Leo and Skye, laughing as always.“Hey!” Leo grinned. “Perfect timing. Come on, we’ll drop you home.”He hesitated for a moment, then nodded. Inside the cab, the three of them talked and joked, the air warm with laughter. For a while, it felt like old times — simple, peaceful, real.Skye handed him a drink. “You look tired, man. Take this — it’ll help.”He took a sip. The taste was strange, bitter — metallic. His head began to swim.“Did you really think we were your friends?” Leo’s voice changed — sharp, cruel, unrecognizable. “You’re an orphan. No one cares if you disappear. We’ll take your lottery money and move on.”The words hit harder than the poison. He turned toward them, dizzy and disoriented — their faces now twisted with greed.Why? he wanted to ask, but his tongue refused to move.Their laughter echoed in his ears as the cab swerved violently. The driver shouted — tires screamed — glass shattered.A blinding flash of white light tore through everything.Then — silence.He opened his eyes. The world had changed. Smoke curled from broken wood and wet earth, not steel and glass. His body ached; his hands were scraped and bloodied. He was lying in what looked like a cage — its bars made of rough logs tied with rope.Around him, people in torn clothes and painted faces whispered in fear.“Alien,” one muttered. “He fell from the sky.”He tried to stand but collapsed. His limbs trembled; his throat burned. In the corner, Leo and Skye lay motionless — eyes open, glassy, lifeless.His heart clenched. Betrayal, confusion, pain — everything blurred together into a single, unbearable silence.When the people turned away, he crawled through a gap in the cage and stumbled into the forest. Every step hurt; every sound made him flinch.He didn’t know where he was — or if he was even alive.Then, from the shadows, a boar burst forward, tusks glinting like knives.He froze, too weak to run.Time slowed. His heart pounded. His lungs screamed for air.And then — once again — the world went silent.—âš« The Poisoned RideThe man stepped out of his office, shoulders heavy with exhaustion. The city lights danced on the wet pavement, their reflections flickering like ghosts.Life feels so empty, he thought. Leo and Skye always seem so happy… I wish I could be like them.Lost in thought, he bumped into two familiar faces — Leo and Skye, his closest friends.“Hey! What luck,” Leo grinned. “Come on, we’ll drop you home.”Inside the cab, laughter filled the air. For a fleeting moment, he felt alive again — like the loneliness had finally lifted.Skye handed him a drink. “You look awful, man. Just take a sip.”He hesitated, then gave in. The liquid burned down his throat, leaving a strange, bitter taste.Moments later, the dizziness hit. The city lights melted into streaks of color.Leo’s voice turned sharp. “Did you really think we were your friends? You’re an orphan — no one cares if you disappear. We’ll take your lottery money and move on.”The words cut deeper than the poison itself. His heart broke before his body failed.Their laughter echoed as darkness closed around him — laughter that didn’t sound human anymore.Then — a screech of tires, a crash of shattering glass, and finally… silence.Only the driver survived.

  • shiva Sreekar
  • and Designed by Jaswanth

2 responses to “Ashes Of the Fallen King.”

  1. Korada Sri Jaswanth Sai Avatar
    Korada Sri Jaswanth Sai

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  2. Korada Sri Jaswanth Sai Avatar
    Korada Sri Jaswanth Sai

    This is really good — intense, cinematic, and emotionally sharp. Let’s break it down by aspects and then give an overall percentage:✨ Storytelling (90%)The pacing is smooth — from the quiet city atmosphere to the betrayal and crash. The transition from normal life to horror is executed naturally, especially the emotional contrast between “warm laughter” and the sudden poison reveal.🎭 Emotion & Character (88%)The loneliness, trust, and betrayal hit hard. You successfully make the reader feel sympathy before twisting it. A little more internal dialogue during the betrayal could push it to 95%.🌆 Description & Atmosphere (92%)The rain-soaked pavement, the cab scene, the dizzying poison moment — all cinematic and vivid. Very immersive visuals.đź§© Structure & Flow (85%)The shift from Ashes of the Fallen King to The Poisoned Ride works, but they feel slightly like two versions of the same story rather than one continuous piece. You could merge or clearly mark them as alternate perspectives or chapters.✍️ Language & Style (90%)Simple yet powerful. A few sentences could be slightly tightened for rhythm, but your tone is consistent and professional.—âś… Overall Score: 89%Excellent short-story writing — emotional, dark, and memorable.With small refinements (stronger transitions, a touch more emotional introspection), it could easily cross 95%.

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